Dysfunctional Snake
by KatFay
Summary: Nagini is Voldemort's snake. This is her, from her point of view.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer:I don't own Nagini, Voldemort, Peter or anyone else. I only own Nagini's nicknames and the lint in my pocket.

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Dysfunctional Snake**

I was born a lovely blonde girl, with beautiful hips that everyone loved. I had a wonderful boyfriend named Tom Riddle, who was going to be evil, but because of my love I made him good again. Actually thats a lie. I think that mouse was dying. They tend to make me hallucinate.

I was born a snake. I was this absolutely normal snake that had the misfortune to be host to a parasite. The parasites name is Tom Riddle, but hes more commonly known as Lord Voldemort. He acts like Lord of the Brats. Not a commonly known fact, I hate this stuck up cretin. Wish he would die actually. But at the same time I dont. I love him. Sad isnt it. My mother would cry.

Now I'm usually very well tempered. I'm not a bad snake. My mother trained me to survive, however necessary. But I'd make a good pet I guess. However twelve foot long snakes aren't all the rage I've heard. Well, what can I say, I never really was.

"Nagini" If I was human, I'd be glaring. I don't like Brat-Lord's voice. It's rather high pitched and irritating. Besides he speaks with this funny accent. Don't really like that either. Before he didn't. Before he spoke like a real snake. Hey Rat-Boy's coming.

Rat-Boy is this cold-fingered, cowering, stupid, midget that serves Brat-Lord. Apparently he changes into a rat. Wonder if Brat-Lord would mind if I ate him? Actually that might not be good. He'd probably make me sick. Stupid Rat-Boy can't even bother to taste good.

"Nagini come here." And what if I don't want to I wonder. Brat-Lord's annoying, but he won't listen to me. Just because he's bigger and has some stupid retarded stick thingy that kills people doesn't mean he can boss me around. Actually it probably does. Still, jerk has no right. Or does he? Rat-Boy is at the bottom of the hall shaking again. Silly little Rat-Boy, you're so busy being scared to even notice me, slinking down the hall to bit and eat you up.

"NAGINI, STOP TRYING TO SCARE WORMTAIL!" I wince. Did I say that last bit aloud? Not fair. I lift my head up to hiss a protest.

"But you don't need him!" I whine.

"Don't even think about it." I grumble. No respect. No respect for the creepy little snake that has no life outside of a homicidal manic obsessed with taking over the world. He thinks I'm disturbed. I wonder about him more these days.

He wasn't always like this, just after he got his body back. Before he was nice. Before I loved him. Before I worshipped the ground he walked, or glided, or whatever he did. It was a messed up relationship from the start. He was on obsessive stalker of a sixteen year old boy, and I was a snake, who really only wanted to be a pet.

Life is seriously messed up.

"Nagini." He calls me, softer this time. I slide across the floor, his at Rat-Boy and coil around the foot of his chair. He pets me, scratches my shedding skin. For a while I can pretend he loves me. For a while I can pretend I'm not in a dysfunctional relationship between a snake and a man.


	2. Severus Snape

**Disclaimer: I don't own it...really, I don't. authors note at bottom.**

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**Chapter Two: Severus Snape**

Severus is back. It's time to go bug my favorite Death Eater. No really, he is my favorite Death Eater. He's the only one that tries to understand what I'm saying. It is a lot like a one sided conversation, but I thinks he understands more then he lets on. He's just that kid of guy. So since Tom's off gallivanting with the Blonde Ego, I'll just go bug Severus.

I slither down the hallways, fall down the stairs, he needs to get ramps down here, and crawl up the table legs to perch on Severus's potion making table. Something is brewing. Whatever it is, it smells.

"Your potion stinks." I tell him. He scratches his chin and stares at me. Then he sees my tail pointing at the potion.

"Yes, yes it does." He agrees. I nod my head. He's learning. See why I like this guy. The fact that he looks like Tom has nothing to do with it. I mean how could someone mistake their black heads or eyes or noses, or. Okay, I admit, maybe I am partial to him because of Tom. But he is a nice guy to hang out with. I coil up with my tail and head sticking out and watch him.

"I tried to eat Rat-Boy today. Tom wasn't very pleased. I think he's mad at me. Do you think he'd like a present of rats?" Severus raises an eyebrow as he tosses something into the potion.

"I don't speak snake Nagini."

"So make a potion that allows you to retard." I hiss angrily.

"Don't be a smart-ass Nagini." I stick out my forked tongue. It doesn't give me the same satisfaction as it gives Tom. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I'm a snake and he isn't.

"What are you prodding over? Voldemort again?" Severus acts. He leans on the counter, letting me rest in his shadow, but seeing as there's little light, it's only a sign of how much he cares. I nod. Severus scratches my head.

Severus was my first friend when I first met all the Death Eaters. I hung out in his potion chamber while Tom was having private meetings. My time as Tom's host had taught me to understand the human language, but Severus was the only one that tried to use my body language and my pointed tail to figure out what I wanted to say. He never really fit in with other Death Eaters, but I was glad he was there. Even if he was a spy. Oh, I knew that part too. I just decided to forget this when I talk to Tom. It makes live more bearable.

"There's Voldemort." Severus says. I recognized the flow of vibrating power as that of someone apperating in, but I didn't know who it was. I slither up to the main entrance. But that isn't Tom waiting to greet me. I don't know who those people are.

"Where is he?" someone mutters. Where's who? Then I get it, they're Order members. I run over options in my head. I know that Severus is here, but I know that the others aren't. Oh this will be fun a horde of angry Order members against a snake and an undercover Order member. Great. Then someone spots me.

"Where's Voldemort?" The boy hisses in my speak.

"And I'm going to tell you why?" I ask. The boy steps back. Guess he wasn't expecting a sass filled snake. It seems he's not the only one. I soon find myself with the entire horde's wands pointed at me. Severus runs up the stairs.

"Leave Nagini alone, she hasn't done anything." Severus says in my defense.

"Thank you." I say. The boy looks at me funny again.

"And this isn't the time. Voldemort isn't here." Severus says. Then his demeanor changes. He seems tired. I crawl up his leg hoping to comfort him.

"There was a change in plans." He says and walks down the stairs. I slide off and hiss warnings to the Order members. As they apperate out, I think I should tell Tom we need to get some defenses on the whole apperating thing.

**Later that Night**

"Anything interesting happen?" Tom asks me as I curl around the foot of the chair. Content by the fire I shake my head. I think I need to get my priorities straight. I have an affair with this guy, in my head perhaps, yet I can't tell on the spy in his midst because they look similar. I truly am messed up.

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A/N: I wasn't going to continue it, so that's why this chapter sucks. I'm also a bit depressed at the moment. However, if you all still want more then I'll post it. And if anyone knows where i should next. I NEED YOUR HELP!

comettail- Umm, I don't think so. Nagini's a girl...THANKS FOR REVIEWING!

The great KillerChicken- It was not left hanging, it just wasn't all there.

fledge- Umm, thank you. I wasn't intending to(which will explain why my chapters are going to go downhill from now) but I'll try.


	3. Wannabe Spy

**Disclaimer: Really, you actually thought I was JK Rowling. I'm flattered...but i'm not.

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****Chapter Three: Wannabe Spy**

Tom wants more information on this Harry fellow. It seems that even though Severus teaches at his school he doesn't bring back enough information on the boy. I wonder why? Maybe it's because he's a SPY!

"Nagini, what's this about spies?" Opps.

"Nothing, nothing, Tom."

"Voldemort, Lord Voldemort." He corrects instantly. I wonder if he watches those Muggle films called James Bond, 007. That might explain a lot. I roll my head, and slither out of the room. Better go tell Severus that he's failing expectations. I can at least give him a heads up.

As I glide through the maze-like hallways, I run into Narcissa, Blonde Ego's wife. I hiss menacingly and she jumps. Then she sees me.

"Stupid pests. I don't see why he keeps you." she stuffs her nose up in the air. I raise a nonexistent eyebrow.

"Don't know why he keeps you either." I say sympathetically. As usual the offended woman screeches and stalks off. For all she knows I could have been planning my next meal, to be her.

"This habit of yours is giving me headaches." Severus says as I slither onto his desk. I decide not to dignify that with an answer. He takes a smaller vial off the self, pours whatever he's been working on in it and thrusts it in front of me.

"Drink it." I narrow my eyes.

"What do I look like, a guinea pig?" I ask, annoyed.

"Yes, you do, now drink." I open my mouth to protest, when he pours the junk down my throat. I swallow to keep from choking and hiss.

"That's not fair!" I say. He looks at me.

"Tom's not pleased with the lack of information about Harry what's his name." I tell him. He looks at me again.

"Harry Potter." He says. Then he nods. He looks back at hi8s calculations. He squints at something, runs a hand through his hair then nods.

"That explains why it didn't work."

"Why what didn't work?"

"I see, if I changed that to this," he scratches out something, adds something else.

"What didn't work?" I ask again. He lifts up his quill gleefully. He grabs his cloak from the corner.

"What?" I demand.

"I have to report this to Dumbledore." I quickly process this. Dumbledore, Dumbledore works at Hogwarts, Hogwarts is where Harry what's his, oh Potter is. Maybe I can do some spying.

"Take me with you!" I shout at Severus. He starts to scoop up his work and stuff them in his pockets. I see my chance and allow myself to be stuffed in a pocket. A huge pocket. I could see vials, graded homework, not graded worksheets, and papers filled with his illegible handwriting. I begin to wish I could read, maybe then I'd get the whole experiment.

As Severus starts to head up the stairs to where the Death Eaters usually apperate out I began to think Ive finally come up with a good plan to spy on someone other then Death Eaters. I poke my head out to see the view. Its rather disconcerting. Then I see the Laughing Maniac, or Bellatrix as she is commonly known as. HELP!

"Severus." She says haughtily. I have decided I don't like her tone of voice. I lean out of the pocket to reach through the gap between the two and bit her.

"SNAKE!" Bellatrix shouts, jumping away from me. I fall out of Severus' pocket. Bellatrix reaches for her stick thing.

"Get that thing away from me before I hex it to death." I can smell the anger coming off of her. I take it that the whole toilet incident has not been forgiven.

"You're still not mad over the toilet incident, are you?" Severus comes as close to laughing as he ever does. I decide that this plan needed working on and I shall slip away for now.

The whole toilet incident happened eons ago, back when I first came to the castle. I hadnt figured out that sleeping in the toilet to help ease the pain of shedding skin was not the worlds smartest thing yet. Nor had I figure out how to work the sink. So I was sleeping, when suddenly the light stopped flowing on me. Bellatrix had walked into the bathroom and was standing over the toilet. I reared up annoyed and snapped at her. She ran out screaming about being eaten by a snake. Needless to say everyone else was amused. Shortly after I learned how to use the sink, it had hot water.

"Wormtail, go get Nagini, it's time to milk her." I hear Tom saying through the door in the hallway.

"RETREAT!" I shout. No way am I being milked by him!

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**A/N: Okay, I have inspiration again...**

The Troublesome Two- Well there's Bellatrix...but I don't think Wormtail will be eaten...but it might happen next chapter. I'll consider it. Thanks for reviewing.

CarbonMonoxide- No slash, and no man-snake sex, haha, no need to worry, it is a clean fic. Thanks!

comettail - Harry makes an entrance when she finally figure out how to get out of the castle..soon I hope. Thank you for reviewing!

fledge- THANK YOU! Little hint, think about the potion he tested on her...Nah, I think she's just a regular snake.


	4. Cut to the Chase

**Disclaimer: I'm insane, but not that out of it. I don't own this stuff.

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****Chapter 4: Cut to the Chase**

The worst thing about my life, by far is being milked by Rat-Boy. He's got these cold little fingers, and while how cold his fingers are have nothing to do with it, it makes having venom sucked out my fangs all the more unbearable. However in order to allow me to keep the castle as my home I must be milked, however this never meant I had to come willingly.

"Come back Nagini!" Wormtail shouts after my retreating slithers. I hear a squeak as he changes into a rat. He really is stupid. Then I hear the swish of robes. Tom's following to be in on the amusement. How lovely. I race down the first hallway, wondering what in the world possessed me to shout retreat. After years of doing this you'd think I'd figured out that it doesn't help me. I hit my tail as I make a sharp turn into another hallway. The squeaking rodent is still following me.

This hallway is toward the front, and there for more cluttered. I swerve a table, slither under a chair, and listen to the screams when some poor Death Eater accidentally stepped on Rat-Boy. I feel no pity. I see my chance ahead of me, a set of stairs. I curl behind a statue when Rat-Boy runs right past me. I resist the urge to snort when he stops at the top of the stairs and sniffs. Somewhere along the line we seemed to have lost Tom.

I slither slowly and quietly to him. Then I snap on his tail. A squeak and the rat is off again. I let the adrenaline run as I chase through the hallways after Rat-Boy. He leads me through the crowded halls. I hear scream and jump as female Death Eaters get out of the way. I hiss a chuckle at them. One of them screams a spell at me, but sadly enough for her, I quickly doge the spell. As we reach another stair I can see the small rat's stamina slowing. I head in, straight for the kill. Then Rat-Boy falls down the stairs. I bring my tail up alongside me and allow myself to fall. I turn just as I expected. The foolish rat runs, runs right into my mouth.

"Nagini let him go." I hear as I slither up the stairs. Tom seems to have caught up and is now glaring at me. I shake my head firmly, noticing that Rat-Boy's tail is outside of my mouth.

"Nagini." He says warningly. I glare at him and shake my head again. I try to continue to slither up, but one of his spells shrinks the hallway to bar my path.

"Spit it out." He practically hisses. I sense that I'm not going to be able to eat him this time. I give a disgusted look and spit the thing out. Out right onto Tom's face. I use the distraction to run away.

"RUN AWAY!" I shout after me, slithering as fast as I can to the dungeons.

"SEVERUS, YOU HAVE TO HELP…OWWWW!" I shout again after ramming my head into a cement desk. Severus looks down at me as I roll my head trying to get rid of the little rats racing around my head.

"Milking time?" he asks me. I nod. He picks me up and wraps my coils around a jar holding some pencils. I take the time to settle down and catch my breath.

"He's going to find you, you know." Severus says. I nod. I do have an IQ. He sets a vial down in front of me.

"Make yourself useful." He says. I glare but dunk my head in to take a sip. I feel a weird tingling sensation, then a biting, and then pain.

"OWWWWW, WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THIS STUFF!" I shout. Severus stares at me. I look at him.

"What?" I demand. He shakes his head, still staring at me.

"WHAT!TELL ME!" I practically howl. He covers my mouth with his hand.

"Shut-up will you." he says. Then he grabs me and stuffs me in his bag. It's the bag with the spell on it to allow it to carry anything. Then he stuffs in a much of vials, test tubes, and other junk. I huff, where is he taking me!

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**A/N: Okay folks. This is short becuase I'm promising that I'll update tomorrow. Of course I'll be out of town this weekend so you won't get anything then. THANK ALL OF YOU FOR REVIEWING!**

**Feakmonkey: I'm not up to the squel yet and even then I shall resist temptation. Seriously. However thanks for the incouragment. (Don't worry, you're not the only one who can't spell)**

**fledge****- You're not supposed to feel sorry for Bella. She's evil! Harry turns up at the end of next chapter. And this is as close as she gets to eating Wormtail. Sorry folks.**

**comettail****- hehe.**


	5. Bird Brain and Harry

**Disclaimer: I own...sadly nothing.

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****Chapter 5: Bird Brain and Harry Potter**

Crushed in Severus' pocket I decided that sleep is a good thing. I curl up to take up less space in his giant pocket and let his swaying robes lull me into a calm sleep. Snakes dream, or at least I do. I dream about rats and some strange haunting music. Then I woke with to a strange thud. Severus had apperated it seemed. I stuck my head out and let my tongue give me information about the area around me. I studied the area carefully. The castle that I assumed to be Hogwarts loomed in front of me. Students played games and talked in the front lawn. I sunk back into the pocket. These were the students Voldemort wanted to kill. They seemed so happy, and at the same time very young and immature. I wondered if he knew who he was killing.

Severus entered the castle with a huff and wandered through the stone walls. I quickly gave up trying to keep track of where we were going. All I knew is that all the students stayed very far from him, probably scared of his rather short temper. Finally we reached a stone gargoyle. Severus muttered something and it hopped aside, revealing a thin staircase.

"Ah Severus, what can I do for you?" an old man asked from the top of the stairs.

"I came to report on the potion. It works, but only for a short period of time. May I ask why we aren't using Potter?" Severus seemed annoyed. He plucked me out of his pocket and set me on the ground.

"Mr. Potter cannot be everywhere, and snakes are Voldemort's most effective and favorite spies." The man said. He led Severus away, allowing me free roam of this strange portrait covered room.

"Snake, snake, evil, evil snake." I heard behind me. I turned to see a bright red glowing bird.

"Bird, bird, good, good bird." I taunted back. The bird tilted his head.

"Phoenix, Fawkes is a pretty Phoenix." I stared at the Phoenix.

"Fawkes has a short attention span." I replied.

"Bird brain, bird brain!" Fawkes said after tilting his head again, "Dumbledore wants a bird brain!" I could have hit my head on the floor.

"Where's Harry what's his name?" I asked. The bird tilted his head. Then he tripped off of his perch. I snickered.

"The Camber of Secrets has opened, Mudbloods beware!" I glared at him. I knew that that happened ages ago!

"Where's Harry what's his name?" I repeated. The bird squawked and flapped his wings.

"Library," the bird said. I shook my head, what a bird brain. I slithered across the room. I fell down the stairs and apparently activated the statue to let me out. That was a relief. I decided to take the bird Brain's advice on where to start looking for Harry what's his name. It was the only lead I had after all.

After falling down several stairs, a few of them right through, and running into several packs of students I finally entered the library. It was quiet and dark here so I climbed up one bookshelf and let my body spread the length of the shelf. It was luckily a very long magical shelf. I decided that I had good enough reason to be sleepy and promptly fell asleep.

I woke to someone removing the book in front of me and exposing the light. I snapped to attention. Here was my chance.

"Tell me where Harry what's his name is or I'll bite you, and I'm a very deadly snake." I threatened. The boy that had the luck to wake me up stared at me. He had a mass of messy black hair, glasses, and a lighting bolt shaped scar on his forehead. He blinked a few times.

"What made you look here?" he asked gesturing to include the whole room. It blew right past me that he was speaking snake.

"I have reliable information that Harry what's his name is here. Well, I do if you consider Bird Brain, or was it Fawkes, or perhaps Dumbledore, I couldn't decide what his real name was." I shrugged apologetically. The boy nodded.

"Well, this is the last place you would look for Harry Potter. Try the Quidditch field or the Gryffindor dormitory." I glared at him.

"You're not being very helpful."

"Am I supposed to be?" He asked shrugging.

"Yes." I said glaring at him again. He seemed to be a very glareable person. Was that even a word? Then he offered an arm.

"Here, I'll take you to where you can find him." He said. I looped myself around his arm then dropped to the ground. Only when I was on the ground did he stop shivering. I wondered if he had a bad experience with snakes. Ignoring this I followed him out of the library. He turned left, then right, then right, up a set of stairs, then right, and then.

"Get off of me Potter." I rammed into the boy's back and crawled up it. I ignored his shuddering, not knowing if it was from me or the speaker. Then I found myself leaning back away and almost falling off.

"IT'S THE SPAWN!" I shouted recognizing the Malfoy heir for who he was. Both boys gave me a weird look.

"Potter, what are you doing with Lord Voldemort's snake?"

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**A/N: Yes, I'm ending it here. Sorry I didn't update friday,I had less time then I thought and was out of town all weekend. Was going to update Monday, but FF wouldn't let me log in. Evil fanfix.**

fledge- Thank you. Oh don't worry, he'll get what he deserves. She will chat more with Harry, though I'm not sure about the good snake part. We shall see.

comettail- In case it isn't clear enough, yes he is testing them on her, and yes, eventually it will allow her to permantly speak English. Severus won't die...I guarntee only that.

WolfbanesHybrid- MJ!Thank you.(what are you doing up at 2 in the morning!)


	6. I Hate Potions

**Disclaimer: ...I don't own it. But I do own this stuffed snake coiled around my waist. Isn't it pretty?

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****Chapter 6: I hate Potions!**

"Feeding her, though why that is any of your business, I have no idea Mr. Malfoy, however since you are both her, come." I didn't even hear Severus until he was right on top of us.

"THE SPAWN!" I shouted again, having no idea what I should be doing, so it seemed like a good thing to be doing at the time. I crawled off of Potter and wrapped my self like a turban around Severus' head.

"Do you mind?" he asked when my coils dropped and covered his eyes. I allowed them to wrap loosely around his neck, and wrapped my tail around his arm. I figure that was an even distribution of my weight. I knew he was glowering, but he still swept away into undoubtedly, his dungeons. How predictable.

"You're Lord Voldemort's snake?" Potter asked, hissing under his breath.

"I like to think of him as my human actually. Of course there's also Severus' here and I guess Rat-Boy is sort of my plaything." The boy looked up at me.

"You are one weird snake."

"I blame being possessed by Tom." Potter snickered. The he straightened.

"So why did you call Malfoy the Spawn?"

"He should be illegal. The Blonde Ego and the Snot Queen should have never been allowed to reproduce." I tell him. He nods sympathetically.

"No, they shouldn't have." He agrees. I have decided I like this kid, even if he doesn't like me wrapping my coils around him. Finally Severus swishes to a halt. I look around to see a bunch of sickly little munchkins all staring at me. I slid of his head and use my coils to support myself standing out about two feet off of Severus' arm. My tongue sniffs the area gently and then I let loose a huge hiss. All the munchkins jump back. Good, I never liked kids anyway.

"Turn to page 368." The response was a flurry of students. I recalled myself by dropping coils into Severus' pocket and wrapping the rest of me around his arm. He walks carefully to the front and signals Potter and the Spawn to his side.

"Before you make your potions, this is how you will be testing them on your specimens." He yanks me off his arm and drops me onto the table.

"Rude much?" I ask him annoyed. He ignores me.

"Potter, hold Nagini." Potter moves to grab my coils. I slap him gently with my tail, and then tap around my head. He gets the message and holds me there.

"Malfoy, pry open her mouth." I snap my fangs together menacingly. He steps back. The Spawn looks to Severus who merely lifts an eyebrow. Ha! I'm not the only one who gets that. The Spawn steps toward me and wincing opens my locked mouth. As soon as it's open, Severus thrusts a bottle in my mouth. Before I could choke I swallow and spit the bottle out. Right into the first row of the students.

"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?"I sputter. The whole calls stares at me.

"It talks!" the Spawn says. I turn to face him.

"Well thank you Captain Obvious, someone give the Spawn here a cookie."

"What did you call me?"

"The Spawn, got a problem, deal with it." I hiss. Potter lets me down, placing me on the table.

"No, you're speaking English now." He informs me. I take a look at everyone's shocked faces. Severus just shrugs.

"Meanie." I say. I look at him accusingly.

"That hurt." I whine.

"I'm sure."

"And you don't care?"

"Not at all."

"Fine, I'm going to leave you mean people and continue to find Harry what's his name." I say in a huff. The Spawn starts to laugh, while Potter's mouth drops open.

"Nagini, what's Harry's last name?" Severus asks me, speaking slowly. I know he's going to lead me to a point, but I wish he'd just tell me.

"Potter." I respond crisply.

"It seems unlikely he'd have a brother doesn't it?"

"Well, seeing as his parents are dead, yeah."

"And who is this?" he asks. It suddenly dawns on me. I am really dumb.

"Harry Potter." I say hanging my head.

"Very good."

"I wanna go home."

"Why?" they all ask.

"Because I really hate potions now."

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**A/N: Yeah, yeah,I know,I haven't updated in a while. However with school, and my birthday party I have been so busy. The good thing is I now have a stuffed snake to play with. Comes in handy when planning how Nagini is wrapping herslef around everybody.**

**comettail****- Yes, well I wanted to make Fawkes wierd. He seems like a wierd person. Draco is...is...is, well you'll just have to find out.**

fledge**- Yeah, short...what can I say,I was rushed. he doesn't trust snakes...Book 2 I think I had something to do with it.**

**alphafemale08****- I'm really scared now. hides**


	7. Plot, What Plot?

**Disclaimer: Beyond Sasha...I don't really own anything.

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****Chapter 7: Plot, What Plot?**

I was sulking, and I knew it. I had been sulking in blissful peace for the last week now. Tom was getting annoyed, I could tell every time he came to talk to me, which lately had not been often. I knew why too, he was preparing for the battle. A battle that I truly wished I could stop.

The last week I had spent speculating everything. I served Tom because he had been a friend when I was younger and lonely. However when I had meet Potter, for he was still Potter in my mind, something else had awoken. For a female I had very little maternal instincts, but what little I had was irritated with Tom. Potter was still a little kid. He had been every since this battle had started. Yes, I knew about the prophecy, but it didn't specify when they had to kill each other. Tom had around seventy years to train, Potter had seventeen. It was an unfair battle from every stand point. So I knew what I had to do. I had to make the battle fair. And in doing so I would betray everything that I had believed in. So much for absolute loyalty.

"Nagini, Nagini, Severus is here to talk to you." I ignored my young keeper. I had no time for either of them. As much as I **knew** what I had to do, actually going out and **doing** it was a little more difficult. Severus kneeled outside the cave patiently waiting for any sort of response.

"Nagini, don't be rude." The irritated tone of my keeper disturbed me. I wanted to bite her, if only to get her to shut up, but I knew it would accomplish nothing. Sasha, my keeper, was spelled to not only be able to understand my hisses but to have the antidote to my bite poured into her blood as soon as I bite her. It bound her to me just as the Dark Mark bound Tom's Death Eater's to himself. Then I saw her pale arm reach into to grab me. I hissed at her, but she dragged me out anyway. It still bugged me that a ten year old could drag me out of my cave when I didn't want to be dragged out. She tapped my head expertly.

"Now don't sulk, you aren't very good at it."

"How would you know?" I asked her irritated. Sasha rolled her eyes, ignoring me. She sat down next to Severus and waited. She fiddled with her hair then opened her mouth.

"Since neither of you are going to say it, I'll say it. What are we going to do about this battle?"

"What are we going to do about it, there's nothing we can do." Severus answered. Cynic.

"Stop being a cynic. There's got to be something we can do, isn't there Nagini?" It took me a few seconds to remember why she asked me.

"He's a half-breed that's obsessed with Muggle music, that's the only thing I can think of." I said. Sasha translated to Severus between giggles.

"He's a half-breed?" Severus asked thoughtfully.

"He likes Muggle music?" Sasha asked disbelief clouding her features. I swear she was a blonde in another life. Only she could completely miss the point.

"Yes, but he'd kill me if I told anyone that. He's very upset with that tidbit of his past."

"Perhaps we could use that against him?" Sasha asked. I lifted my head to stare at her. At that exact moment I realized how weird this was. Except for Severus, we were all fiercely loyal to Tom and here we were plotting his demise. For while at the moment it was just a way to stall the battle we all knew it would lead to his death. I felt a sinking feeling in my gut.

"Which one?" I asked.

"The music," she said sarcastically.

"All Death Eater's are carefully bound to him, Sasha, even if they all revolted at the same time, it would only be a matter of hours before they were back under control." Severus answered smoothly. I swung my head at him.

"That's all we'll need." I said suddenly. At first I didn't know how to explain myself, but slowly the plan formed in my brain. We could use that against him. It would be the riskiest thing ever and would easily fail, but it was just what we needed. We are all so screwed.

* * *

I could feel the nervous tentacles flying off of Sasha as she walked to the throne room. Her brown hair was pulled up in such a mass of braids that it was confusing and enchanting at the same time. She wore pure white robes showing her rank as a Snake Charmer. It was all traditional of course, just as the way I was wrapped around her waist, up her back, around her neck, and then looped around her arm. It wasn't very comfortable to me, but it was the easiest way to make sure my weight didn't knock her over. Not like it would, she was trained not to do that.

"Are you ready?" I asked her. She nodded. By far she had the worst job, she would be carrying me when we had to run, and was just as likely to be hurt if not killed in what would probably be the battle in miniature. Sasha lifted her head as she neared the throne room. Two Death Eaters' guarded the doors. She glared at them as I hissed. They were smart enough to open the door.

"Nagini, how pleasant to see you." Tom said smoothly, when we entered. Everyone else turned and stared. This was the time. I caught eyes with Severus standing near the door. Only minutes before he had given me the potion that would allow me to speak English, but no one else knew that.

"I wish I could say the same to you, but ever since you got a body your Muggle blood has been driving me crazy." I said. Mouths dropped everywhere. Sasha snickered.

"Opps, did I say that out loud. I just find it so ironic that as a half-blood you'd be one of the first to die. That is if you can bet Harry Potter. Another interesting fact, why haven't you killed him yet? Or is there something you want to tell us?" Tom's mouth opened to shot a spell at me. He was too late, the uproar of the Death Eaters was deafening. Sasha screamed when a misaimed spell scratched her cheek.

"Get them!" Tom shouted. Severus grabbed Sasha's arm and dragged her out of the room. I looked back, and wished I hadn't. Tom's red eyes glowed with hate. The magnitude of what I had done hit me there, and I felt horrible.

* * *

**A/N: Well that was a different chapter. Basically, nothing really interesting happens becuase I needed an excuse as to why she goes over to the Light. It's not something you one day wake up and decide to do. So, if it sucks, I blame Caltic Moods...it's a CD.**

**Freakmonkey- I am so confused!**

**comettail- Hehe, thanks for your continuous support!**

**fledge- Owls, that's owls you're thinking of. Yes, it really was. The wierd thing is I'd love Potions...can't be that different from Chem.**


	8. But the Bird’s the Dumb One!

**Disclaimer: Ha, if I owned Harry Potter I'd bee rich and have all the manga I desire. But I don't. So sad, too bad.**

**Chapter 8: But the Bird's the Dumb One!**

"Run" I hissed into Sasha's ear as she tore out of the room. The giant doors thundered behind us, the guards stared at her then stood watch. Leave it to Tom to put the dumb ones on guard. Before I realized it I was being pushed aside. Severus had appeared by Sasha and was dragging her to a fireplace. Sasha tripped.

"Get up." He hissed, as I stared around me wildly. As Severus had said, we probably didn't have much time before Tom got his Death Eaters under control. He grabbed powder and shouted something I didn't catch. He pulled Sasha against him.

"You're squishing me." I commented, annoyed.

"Deal with it." Sasha panted, petting my head. In a matter of split seconds we tumbled out of the fireplace onto a stone floor. I twisted myself off of Sasha only to run into a hard boot.

"Hold it right there. Who are they Severus?" Sasha pulled herself up to her full height, ignoring her ruined braids and sooty robes. Personally, she wasn't as scary as she could be.

"I am Sasha, Snake Charmer Magus, and you are scaring my snake." She said. The man, as I had identified it as such, looked down at me. I tried to look as timid, scared, going-to-pass-out-as-soon-as-possible as I could. Which wasn't very. Sasha glared and picked me up. She wrapped me around her and glared at the man. Now I got a better view of a rather not scary man. His hair was streaked with white and he looked exhausted. He didn't seem very into what he was doing.

"I'm Nagini, pet snake of Lord Voldemort up until like, ten seconds ago. Who might you be?" The man collapsed into a nearby sofa.

"I'm hallucinating, right. Snakes don't talk. Severus, what's going on?"

"Hey, I asked you a question!" I shouted, awfully annoyed at being ignored, "Look at me, not Severus, ME I TELL YOU!" The man raised an eyebrow at me.

"I'm Remus Lupin." He said, dropping is head while muttering something, that sounded a lot like "I'm going insane aren't I?" I grinned evilly.

"Don't ya know talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity." I said. He looked up sharply. I stared. He had golden eyes! And I thought Tom had creepy eyes.

"And you would know." Severus said, sweeping over to us.

"I'm not the insane one, well if I am, I blame Tom and Bellatrix." I protested.

"Everyone does." Sasha and I sent him twin glowers. Poor Severus, he just didn't seem to be having a good day.

"She could blame you Severus, you're not exactly the perfect example of sanity yourself are you?" Sasha snapped.

"All of you, act your ages not your shoe size." Remus Lupin said burying his head in his hands.

"Shoe size?" I asked puzzled. He shook his head.

"American Civics teacher." He offered as an explanation. Sasha and I exchanged looks.

"You're weird." I said.

"He's a werewolf, what would you expect." Severus said, miffed. I looked at him. He has the weirdest prejudices. I mean he can deal with a talking snake, a half-blood overlord, but can't handle a less then sane werewolf? Am I the only one that finds this a bit weird?

"Severus, you're confusing Nagini." Sasha said. He raised an eyebrow at her. Sasha very regally stuck her tongue out at him. Why can't I do that!

"Back on topic, what are you doing here?" Remus Lupin asked. I looked at Sasha and Severus. Neither looked very inclined to answer. So I launched into an explanation.

"Well, I decided that Harry was rather too young to die. So I employed the use of my favorite Death Eater really a spy for Dumbledore and my keeper Sasha here and decided to undermine Voldemort's reign of annoying hypocrisy. So we Flooed here and then had a very interesting conversation on sanity or the lack therefore of in which I was very confused." I think everyone was impressed with my use of vocabulary.

"You do realize that we need to call Dumbledore?" Remus Lupin said after a big silence. I recalled my first experience with Dumbledore.

"I'm fine as long as I don't have to talk to his bird. That thing scared me the first time around; I don't need a second dose." I got three blank stares as a response. Humans…so useless.

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry for not writing more sooner, but I had the biggest writers block that I only recently cured. Sorry. AND I FOUND MY SNAKE AGAIN!**

**alphafemale08****- Ummm, probably not.**

**U-nonamous- Nobody likes my angst stuff! WAHHHHH**

**fledge****- Well, I figure she's around twelve feet long( I think something was mentioned about that in the fourth book), but Severus' pockets have enlarging spells on them…how else would he be able to carry all his stuff! Sasha is not related to anyone we know...that I'm aware of. Muggle music shall play a part, but not like in Mars Attack….what is Mars Attack anyway?**


	9. Paranoid Much?

**Chapter 9: Paranoid Much?**

Nagini was bored. I knew this as I absently scratched her head because I felt the same. Severus had been in that kitchen with the Order forever. When we had been in there with them had only been a slight improvement.

"Why can't they trust us?" Nagini whined. I could sense her irritation. The interrogation had not gone so well.

"_How do we know we can trust them?" demanded the one eyes man across the room._

"_We don't Moody, but they could be valuable if they're telling the truth." Dumbledore said calmly._

"_I see we kill them now." He said firmly. Nagini hissed at him._

"_How do we know this isn't a plot created by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?" asked one woman looking a little more then terrified._

"_Tom would be pleased to see how much his name scares them." Nagini hissed into my ear. I nodded, hiding a chuckle, he would._

"_Tom doesn't plot. He randomly attacks people for the fun of it and thinks that his power is so great that nothing could go wrong. He's naive like that." Nagini hissed louder. Harry Potter translated her words. They didn't believe it when I translated but if he said it was true they followed him unconditionally._

"_How do we know they aren't lying?"_

"_How can we trust a snake?"_

"_Maybe the snake is plotting to take over the world." Potter said sarcastically. Everyone stared at him._

"_Harry, darling.." some plump woman started. I didn't get to hear the rest as Nagini was trying to force me to take her to Severus. I struggled for a moment then just let her go. Severus reached out a hand for her and she pointed her tail at her open mouth. At first he looked confused, and then his face lit with comprehension._

"_I have an idea to prove she's telling the truth." Everyone looked at Severus. He pulled out two bottles. He poured one down Nagini's throat._

"_That was a potion to allow her to speak English and this," he poured the second down her throat," is the truth potion." He said. The Order looked at him impressed._

"_Ask away." I muttered sarcastically. Dumbledore leaned over Nagini._

"_Do you really know what Voldemort intends to do?" he asked softly._

"_Yes, unless of course he intends to change his plans mid-way but that really doesn't seem like especially since he spent all that time figuring out how to take down the wards around Hogwarts." The Order looked astonished at that tidbit of information._

"_When does he plan to attack?"_

"_Probably just before Christmas break, cause the most havoc with lots of people still around."_

"_Does he know that he has only one Horcrux left?"_

"_Two, he has two, one I don't know where is and the last is himself." Suddenly I turned pale. I knew where the last one was located, and I didn't like the fact at all._

"_I believe we should consider this wisely. Would you mind leaving us?" Dumbledore asked. Then just as I was walking out he asked._

"_Did Voldemort tell you to tell us this?" Nagini shook her head in disgust._

"_I came on my own free will." She said as we left the chamber._

"Are you hungry Nagini?" I asked as Nagini shifted her coils again. She shook her head. I stared at the door. It was getting cold in this room, when would they come out? Finally the door opened a crack and Harry Potter slipped into the room.

"They're still arguing, they don't believe you." he said. Nagini hissed.

"You did turn sides didn't you?" he asked. Nagini performed a snake equivalent of rolling her eyes.

"Yes idiot, but it wasn't because of you so don't get full of yourself. You creep me out." I snorted. What a little liar my snake had turned out to be.

"You creep me out too. How could you stay with Voldemort so long?" he asked.

"Because I love torturing his minions?"

"Not a reason."

"Maybe not to you, but I am a snake and my reasons never make sense to mere mortals." I hide a snicker. Yes, Nagini was having a little fun at the boy's expense.

"If they did I'd be worried." He responded without missing a beat.

"Ouch." Nagini faked dead, "Your words wound me."

"Harry, what are you doing?" an indignant brunette looked at him warily from the stairway.

"Fencing with a demented snake, what does it look like?" I asked airly. Nagini hissed at me.

"I'M NOT DEMENTED!" She hissed angrily.

"You keep telling yourself that." I said petting her gently. She reached over to bit me, but stopped before she did so as if remembering the uselessness of biting me.

"I want a chew toy." She said annoyed. Potter and I both cracked up laughing, but the brunette seemed displeased to be forgotten.

"I would think you'd be planning with the rest of the Order rather then sitting out here laughing your head off with someone we don't even know if we can trust." She lectured.

"Paranoia runs in this house." Nagini muttered under her breath. I resisted the urge to laugh. I didn't want to irate this witch even further.

"Come on 'Mione, you're becoming as paranoid as Moody!" Potter whined. 'Mione huffed and stormed back up the stairs.

"Sasha, Nagini, Harry," Dumbledore poked his head out of the door. When he saw us all together he stepped out, the rest of the Order close on his heals.

"We have decided to take into consideration all that you have told us. We believe that you are telling the truth, but for your safety request you stay with an Order member at all times. When school commences, you will stay out Hogwarts to be in an area of utmost security. Does that suit you?" It was another way of telling us that he didn't trust us farther then he could throw us but he believed what we had to say. I nodded. It would work.

* * *

**A/N: MWHAHAHA! I STICK THE DISCLAIMER AT THE END!MWHAHAHA! **

**in a serious tone I don't own Harry Potter etc…..BUT WHEN I TAKE OVER THE WORLD I WILL MWHAHAHAHAHA!**

fledge- But a snake sticking out their tongue just isn't the same. I have a feeling this isn't what you meant by soon though…..

unlikely2- I'm a weird person, if my stories weren't weird what would they be? Glad you liked it though!

Freakmonkey- My mother sold mine.

Abby- I'm not sure how you are supposed to pronounce it…as I don't have the fourth book on tape, but the way I think it is as Nah-Gee-Knee…or something like that… But shrugs who knows, not me

ouroboros310- That's gotta be the world weirdest alien attack movie…

alphafemale08- I BLAME COLORGUARD! ….That's not a reason is it?


	10. Battles Don’t Need to be Serious

**Disclaimer: Ha, if I owned Harry Potter I'd bee rich and have all the manga I desire. But I don't. So sad, too bad.**

**Chapter 10: Battles Don't Need to be Serious**

"Do you think I can get Muggle TV from here?" I lifted my head up and stared at Sasha. She was crawling around the huge TV she had somehow gotten the Room of Requirements to give her. I slithered over to her. She looked at me.

"Well?"

"I think it's the craziest idea ever."

"Thanks for your vote of confidence."

"Electronics don't work in Hogwarts."

"Don't burst my bubble Nagini." She said irritably. I rolled my head around and coiled up next to her. She scratched my head and studied the TV.

"I'm missing the premiere because of you." she said.

"So is Tom, because in case you haven't noticed this is the last night before Christmas break." I reminded her. Sasha looked at me.

"It'll be okay." She said. I shook my head. I didn't agree with her right now. The school had been protected with extra shields around the dorms and classrooms, but nothing had been done to strengthen the wards. They wanted Tom to come to them. The students had been warned that an attack might come and had been drilled in safety measures. Fourth years and below were assigned a classroom with massive wards on it. They were not to engage the enemy. Everyone else had been drilled in dueling, protective spells, and small tricks to get out of a life or death situation.

Harry had continued his training with personalized lessons by all the teachers. He became familiar with all sorts of advanced magic. Sasha had even volunteered her education on dark spells. Most of which she had learned through eavesdropping. Under the guidance of some giant person who kept trying to pick me up, Harry met with the creatures in the lake and in the forest. I wonder if he thought he could convince them to help fight for Hogwarts. They never would. Despite all of this, I was unconvinced that the school would make it through the night.

"GIVE A LITTLE BIT, GIVE A LITTLE BIT OF YOUR HEART TO ME!" I jumped when the lyrics blasted at me. Sasha had moved up on the couch.

"See the TV does work in Hogwarts! Eww, music videos." Sasha declared. She changed the channel.

"Rodrigo, No!" some black haired woman shouted at the leaving man.

"Spanish soap operas, a tad scary." She changed the channel again.

"You're a wizard Harry." Sasha froze and flipped the TV on mute. We both looked at each other.

"We didn't hear that." She said as she flipped the channel.

"FOOD NETWORK!" We both shouted. There was a channel we could agree on. And while it didn't make any sense that TV worked in Hogwarts, and that we were only watching the Food network because Tom hated it and we watched it get on his nerves, we were happy. UNTILL SUDDENLY THE ROOF OF THE SCHOOL BLEW UP BECAUSE POTTER HAD BECOME EVIL AND WAS TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

Just kidding.

Actually we heard the huge bang of doors being forced open. If that wasn't enough to get it through our thick skulls that we were under attack the screams of hysterical school girls did it. Sasha groaned.

"TOM YOU'RE MAKING ME MISS CHOCOLATE WITH JACQUES TORRES!" Sasha shouted before scooping me up and heading out into the hallway.

"Where do you think Potter is?" I asked as we raced for the front door.

"Halfway across the school." Sasha puffed. Oh, so that's why we were heading toward danger. We had to make a big distraction to keep Tom from killing people before Potter got there to kill him. I just hoped he was up for the challenge. Sasha gave a final burst of speed before halting on the steps. Tom lead the group of Death Eaters menacingly up to the stairs.

"YOU'RE MAKING ME MISS THE FOOD NETWORK VOLDEMORT!" Sasha shouted annoyed.

"Food Network?" one of the Death Eaters raced up to the stairs. I pounced and bit the Death Eater. Sasha watched the man fall to the ground, his hood finally falling off.

"And so ends the life of Peter Pettigrew. Pathetic, just like him." She said solemnly. She pulled out the wand that Dumbledore had equipped her with (Tom never bothered to figuring she'd never be on the battle field) and headed down the field.

"So this is where my snake has run off to." Tom called as soon as we were close enough to hear his voice. I hissed at him and coiled myself protectively around Sasha. He flicked a hand, shooing is Death eaters off into what was now becoming a battle field. He towered over us.

"Betraying me was not a very smart idea Nagini." He hissed.

"I could bit you right now and you'd fall dead on the floor." I commented as a response. His eyes bored venom into my brain.

"HEY VOLDEMORT, PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE!" We both turned to see Harry Potter standing arm out on the stairs to the school.

"You do realize their sizes don't even come close to each other right?" Sasha asked me.

"Can't get any more ridiculous." I said snickering. And then it started to pour ice cold rain. I hate the rain.

"I guess you were going to say it can't get any worse either can it?" Sasha asked, playing innocent. I could have slapped her. However we had other things to occupy us. Like randomly biting Death Eaters who got to close to our front row viewing of Voldemort and Harry Potter's battle.

"If he loses, will he still be called the Boy-Who-Lived? Or will it be the Boy-Who-Lived-Then-Died or just the Boy-Who-Died?" I stared at Sasha.

"You are crazy aren't you?"

"Not as crazy as you!"

"You're crazier then Tom!"

"Is that even possible?"

"Yeah, it's called a bird named Fawkes."

"That's not very nice Nagini."

"I'm not a very nice person. Ouch, that gotta hurt." I remarked as a red light hit Potter, causing a huge slash to appear on his left leg. He shouted out something that caused a similar mark on Tom's wand arm, but Tom recovered quickly by switching hands.

"You're not even a person Nagini, oh wait, that's a Death Eater, wait never mind, you got him." Sasha said as another Death Eater fell onto the collection I was creating. If the whole battle depended on everyone other then Potter and Tom I think we'd win. However Potter didn't seem to be lasting so well.

"Maybe we should help him?" Sasha pondered aloud. She shrugged and then stepped up.

"HEY VOLDEMORT, LOOK WHO'S GOT THE NEW BRITNAY SPEARS CD!" Sasha shouted. At first I was about to tell her that he'd never fall for that, but, the idiot did.

"What?" he said turning toward us.

Harry shouted something I couldn't hear, but I recognized the green light flying at Tom. So, apparently did he.

"Accio Nagini!" he shouted. I didn't know what he planned to gain from bringing me into this, unless he hoped that I would take the full blow and he would live. It was times like these when I wished snakes could close their eyes, because I didn't want to see the green light flying toward me. I'm going to die.

* * *

**A/N: Again, I don't own Harry Potter, live with it already! Do you all want to sue me? Anyway, that's the end of the story. Really, not kidding. That's the end. Have fun, carry on with your normal lives. Toddles.**

**Just kidding. There's an epilogue.**

fledge- Yes, this was Sasha, sorry, but you don't really learn much about her…..I think that has something to do with the fact that I don't even know. Kipling?

alphafemale08- runs around in circles AHHHHHH


	11. Epilogue

**A/N: I would like to say that it took me a very long time to figure out how this story was going to end. I was very tempted to leave it at the last chapter, and let you imagine if Nagini lived or died. Not only did I decide that that was cruel and unusual punishment, but I knew I'd never be able to get away with it. So I knew I had to finish it. I debated for a very long time if I should kill her, or let her live, and if I let her live how would that work out? I still can't get over the fact that my clumsy little one-shot evolved into this massive piece of sarcastic misrepresentation of J.K. Rowling's characters. However, as I'd like to start a new long fic in the wonderful world of the Wheel of Time or Phantom of the Opera, I feel it is time I tie up the loose ends in this piece of KatFay's insanity. So here goes nothing and a spellchecker.

* * *

****Chapter 11: The Epilogue**

Have you ever had that person who was always there for you? That no matter what you did, no matter how much of an idiot you where that person would always be there to laugh at you about it? That was Nagini. I met her when I was what, five? I don't know. She was hiding from Bellatrix and had fallen down the stairs again. As soon as I picked her up, I wanted to keep her as a pet. And so I became her keeper, a servant of the Dark Lord without even knowing that a war was going on.

Nagini was always a weird one. For a snake she was very human-like. She says it was caused by the time she shared her body with Tom. Personally, I'd be terrified if I had shared a body with that hypocrite. Nagini wasn't in the least disturbed. In fact I think she loved him, in the only way a snake could love a human. But like everyone else in his pathetic life, Nagini betrayed him. I guess she never saw it like that, but then Nagini saw things differently. Only Nagini would see something good in Tom.

Just like a good little tamer, I followed her into the Light. It was the first time I had seen a view different then Tom's. I guess I had never really seen the light outside of the dark. I didn't care for the other people; I was only there because it was funny to watch Nagini and Harry battle with words. I must say I took a rather sadistic pleasure in making fun of my scaly friend.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was a tangled mess; I had been tossing and turning in my sleep again. I guess I understood what Harry went through every night. Guilt, guilt that you had lived, combined with a horrible haunting that no matter how much time passed would never really goes away. It disgusted me. I disgusted myself. I who used to be so preppy, so alive, and fallen back into the slumming despair of my childhood. A childhood before I met Nagini. Maybe that's what I had felt that time I picked her up. A small ray of hope that I would finally be happy.

"Sasha, your hair is showing a very weird resemblance to a birds nest covered with rat hair." I flipped my hair over my head so I could look at Nagini. She opened her mouth yawning, revealing her two missing fangs.

"Nagini, I'm trying to be a properly depressed person. People have died and we're going to a funeral." I declared.

"Since when have you been properly depressed? You're turning into a crowd pleasing depressed hag in your old age."

"OLD," I screeched throwing the hair brush at her. The door squeaked open.

"Hardly properly depressed." Harry said leaning on the doorway.

"YOU!" I cried out, frustrated at the two of them teaming up on me, "And here I was trying to feel sorry for you and think depressing thoughts for you." Harry shot me with a look. I hate it when he does that, his eyes are too green to be real and they creep me out.

"Why would I want you to be depressed?" He asked innocently. Then his look changed, "I'd rather you were happy," he said in complete seriousness, "Too many people are crying. We kinda need a little help remembering how to laugh again." I stared at him; he was just too confusing for me.

"Does that mean I can watch Food Network without being interrupted by a screaming horde of Death Eaters?" Nagini asked, looking at him. Harry nodded. I laughed. Just like Nagini, so many people had died, had been slaughtered ruthlessly that night, she herself would have died if her teeth hadn't been the holders of the last bit of Voldemort's soul. If they hadn't been fake they wouldn't have broken when she bit him and she wouldn't have dropped, saving her life. And here she was a little ray of sunshine in a world of mourning black. I decided I'd wear neon green for the funeral. Hermione would be horrified.

* * *

**A/N: And so I end this story. With a combination of angst and humor that should satisfy…or not but I'm a bit tired of this story so I won't go back and fix it even if you all hate it. Go write your own ending if you're that displeased.**

**Of yes and before I forget. I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANY SUCH CHARACTERS!**

**Blog…not yet at least.**

alphafemale08- I'M NOT CRAZY, I'M MENTALLY CHANLLENGED! Of, and the epilogue came out…however if you're reading this you'd know that already……is confused

wolfbaneshybrid- Happy MJ? Why didn't you log in? GO FOOD NETWORK!

DRUNKEN LANDLORD- Hello.

Maddevillechilde- I'm brilliant, I didn't kill her!

fledge- A) You know, you made me look that up….and guess what! I still don't know! B) I thought that was a nice touch…one must always have a pile of DE's to make one feel better. C) I don't know, and she does. D) This isn't really quick is it?


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